To be young again.

Yes, it is 3:32 a.m. and I am sitting here updating this blog. I figured why not stay up all night and watch movies like I used to before I had no life. Really I have felt so much older than I really am because I have a full time job and I am always so exhausted trying to balance that with school and then friends which means I sleep when ever I get the chance so I can try to get the energy to do it all the next day again. Tonight though is a different story. I am sick of the same old routines so I decided to rent/buy a couple of movies and stay up all night drinking orange cream soda and eating what ever I can find in my house (usually oreo's or chips n salsa) and I am in comfortable clothes just enjoying myself. I enjoy this time to myself sometimes just so I can get away from everything.

Ok first movie I watched was slum dog millionaire. I have wanted to watch this movie since it won all of its awards. I wanted to know what was so special about it for it to win 8 Grams. After watching it I can see why it won. I was so moved by this movie. It proved love can triumph over money. No matter how corrupt you are, no matter if you are rich or poor money didn't matter, in the end love was all that mattered. He won a million dollars which is more than he ever had, yet that wasn't what excited him. What excited him was that Latika was safe and he knew he could find her. Thats something I want.

Next movie I watch was Nick and Norah's Infinate playlist. That was an awsome movie. I wish my life was exactly like that movie. Well the ending at least. I may not be as nerdy or shy as that guy but I am almost exactly like him when it comes to making mixes. I am not musically talented so I don't make my own music but I am constantly making playlist mixes in my itunes. People have me stereo typed to listen to a certain kind of music, but what a lot of people don't know about me is I have a little bit of everything on my playlist. I mean I even have some German country music which is actually half way decent. Anways I'll stop rambling about this moive but one final note, I WANT TO FIND MY "MUSIC SOULMATE". I want to find that person that I will not have to be afraid to play a certain kind of music because they don't like it. I want to beable to hand my i-phone to someone and have them just browse through and like it all so much they have a hard time picking which song to play first.

Now I am working on my third movie which my step sister rented and I heard it was alright, but since I am trying to feel young again (I know I am not old but I feel old) so I am watching Horton Hears a Who. Not much you can write about this movie so I will leave it at that.

After that I am watching cloverfield, then Forgetting sarah marshal. My night to myself has been good so far and has not ended. Its been good to finally relax and slip out of my normal routine life and feel young again.

This is pointless and I have lost my way with words. Oh well.

eh random thoughts split in to lines.

When I turned my back years ago
I never really wanted to let go
I was scared to turn and run
But I sprinted and left you alone
Time has passed, feelings I tried to hide
Are coming back and I can't control them
When your skin graced mine today
So many things came back to my heart
I began to wonder why...
Why did I ever let you go
Why did I decide to leave you
The truth is, I want you back now
I swear I won't turn my back again
The fear has been put aside
Take my hand, and trust me one more time
I'll be the best that I know I can
For now I will be wishing for your soft voice
To whisper the words I am hoping for.
So ready or not, here I come.


so this is really random thoughts just put in to lines as they came out. No it is not a poem, no it is not good just my random mind randomly putting things down.

Good night.

Escape.

So yesterday I got off work early and thats when my phone rang. I answered and well it was an offer I couldn't refuse. I got an offer to ride out with a friend to Rock Island State Park here in Tennessee and let me tell you I had the greatest time. It was the escape from my stressed out life I have been looking for. It was me, a friend and nature. I did not realize Tennessee packed so much beauty, maybe thats because I am stuck in the Middle Tennessee bubble most of the time. We left about 12:30 and got to the park about 2. Then we hiked around there taking photos and goofing off till about 3:30 then we got the most amazing burger I have ever had. I don't know how they made it but that burger was an orgasm in my mouth. Then we made our way over to Fall Creek Falls state park. There I felt like a small speck in a great big world. I was surrounded by nature at its finest. We didn't get back to nashville until 9:30, time passed by so fast.

When we got back we watched Marley and Me. That movie was actually really good. It made me realize how much I take my dogs foregranted. I mean when I come home they are always there to greet me with a wagging tail. If I am pissed off they always cheer me up. No matter how I treat them they still stay faithful to me and love me unconditionly. They are man's best friend. They are my best friends.

Anyways thats an update on my life for now. I am exhausted, so good night.

thoughts while on the road

So I was driving home from class and well this was my main thought running over and over through my head becoming more and more visual as the miles flew passed.

Picture my heart as a house. Sometime ago I put out a welcome mat right in front of the door. It was clean and brand new. I felt safe so the door was not locked. The inside was newly renovated and ready for guest to come right in and visit and there was room for guests to turn in to people who lived there. Well as time passed the welcome mat became a little became a little worn, the walls inside the house showed some marks, and there was some minor damage but the door was still unlocked. Recently I realized that the welcome mat has been trampled on and some guests have over stayed their welcome. They keep taking advantage of my hospitality so therefore I kicked most of them out, kept a few inside and then locked the door and threw away the welcome mat. No longer was I letting people in, I was pushing them all away. I thought this would bring me some more happiness but in reality I still felt the same.

Now I realized that I just have to be more careful. Some stranger could come walking up to my house and knock on the door then if I ignored them like I have been I could never know exactly who they were or what they wanted. That stranger knocking on my door could have been the angel I was waiting to come in to my heart. So for now the door will stay locked but I am not going to ignore the knock. I will investigate instead. I need to let new people in because it is time for change. I am ready for this. I have done some remodeling work inside my heart and some things have changed but those people I have kept inside of it are still welcome and are still in there.

Well this is enough pointless rambling for the night once again. Good Night.

Sunday is never a good day for me.

So to start off today I had to be at work at 8 am and I had to work returns again which meant my day was doomed from the start. I have to listen to people complain and get pissed at me about things that don't work as if it is my fault. I mean hell I can't say no to any return so you are getting your money back. It's not like I made the product and hoped it would break on you so I can make money of you and not give it back.

Then on my lunch break I figured something out. The girl I wrote about in the blog before this is persuing me again like I said but I found out why. She apperently is moving to Los Angels for an internship on may 1st so therefore she will be over 2000 miles away from may-august. Then when she comes back in august she will be leaving again to go to school in either arkansas which is 8 hours away or in Lexington Kentucky which is about 4 hours away so therefore the distance would still be there. I just don't think she could actually handle a real relationship so she always goes for what is easiest for her. She knows I don't want a long distance relationship so she knows I won't give in this time yet she still persues and once I give in she'll say well the long distance thing isn't going to work for her. Tell me this why the hell do girls have to be so complicated. Is there one girl out there that is just normal and not crazy? So for now I stay single.

Lately it seems as if I am just complaining about things when really I am more than thankful for everything I have. I mean I still have job that pays decent and they still give me 40 hours a week which is awsome. I am thankful that I get to get up everyday and just live the life I do. I mean if you look at it I am spoiled compared to some people and yet I feel like I want more and I take foregranted everything I have. I feel so selfish sometimes but that is what the American culture is built on. Monetary gains is what the american dream is begining to fully turn in to.

Oh and last but not least I am excited for my trip this summer. Everyone goes on their spring break trip to Florida or Mexico or the Bahamas but not me. I worked on my two week spring break but June 21st-July 6th I will be in Anchorage Alaska back home visiting family and old friends. It will be nice to get away from my routine lifestyle here in Franklin for a little while. I need a vacation badly. I'm hoping the volcano will stop errupting and causing trouble so that my flight will not get canceled but we will see. This brings me to a quote from my favorite book called "Through Painted Deserts" by Donald Miller. He says that sometimes you have to leave a place for a while to really aprriciate everything you have there. I honestly believe I miss living in Alaska for so many reasons but I also love living here for many more so I am hoping this vacation will renew my love for Franklin cause I am growing quite bored.

Ok enough with this pointless blabbing. Good night.

a little of this a little of that.

Sometimes I feel I am traveling too fast, yet others I feel I am not giong fast enough. Right now I am running blind in to something again for what seems like the hundreth time but I lost count. This time the game will not work. If you run when I finally let my gaurd down again this time then no longer will I keep letting you come back. You know who you are even though you probably don't read this.

For those of you who are clueless about that first part here is the story. I've been single for a while now and I am actually ok with that which is weird for me. Anyways I have been talking to someone off and on for over a year now and it seems like they are just playing games with me. I mean if I play hard to get or I don't give in to her persistence she keeps chasing me and coming after me and trying to talk me in to dating her, but then when I finally give in she tucks tail and runs away. Its happened every single time but there is something about her that keeps me coming back to her. I can't explain it, call me old fashioned but there is something about her personality that just sucks me in and gets me trapped even though I don't want to be there. Maybe this time it will work but if not I am done.

Other than that life has been pretty much normal. Spring is arriving and I can not wait for it. I miss spending time outside with my music in just writing and thinking by myself. I need the warm weather so I can escape out in to the woods and just relax.

Well as usual this is pointless so good night.

Sometimes I wonder...

Well since today I did not have to work I had way too much time to think. I began all that what if? kind of thinking that I sometimes do when I have downtime. This time I was watching some hockey videos on youtube (yes guilty as charged for youtubing) and I began to miss it. I am still wondering what it would have been like if I played this year in San Antonio. Its way too late to do anything about it now but I still think about it a lot. I am too old now to play unless I play for a college and since I decided to go to an art school they don't have a hockey team.

I think what I miss most was the fact that my life had something to center itself around. My year I spent playing juniors was probably the best year of my life. I mean I dropped everything in my life and moved to Illinois. Peoria was not a great town but I mean I made the best of it. I loved the family I lived with(well the second family) and the team was awsome. I miss just chilling in the locker room with 20-25 guys that you spent everyday with. I miss getting on the bus for a 8-10 hour road trip and just shooting the breeze sleeping and even playing pranks. The living out of hotels was also awsome. Playing in different cities from weekend to weekend, I mean I have seen half of the Unites States because of hockey. I miss skating and playing everyday. I played for 15 years before I finally gave it up and I am still stuck with this what if feeling.

Now I am lucky to get to skate once a month and when I do skate I am just goofing off. My heart still loves the game but I was not going anywhere with it. I wish I shared that passion with everything else in my life but I haven't really found that thing yet. I mean I love photography but I am still not quite as passionate about it as I was hockey. That passion for photography is growing though. I guess it goes with the old cliche saying Out with the Old and in with the new.

Basically all this blabbering about nothing is just me missing hockey. I mean it makes me realize I have to not take anything foregranted while I have it. I took hockey foregranted for all the years I played and now it is gone and I wish I could go back and put that much more effort in to it. Those days ended and that door closed but now new doors are opening and new days are ready for the taking.

If you read this I am sorry I wasted your time but it is just me ranting and writing to get my feelings off my chest. Good night.